On Courage and Cancer

There has been a lot of discussion about courage lately, in the context of protests and policing. One thing that is apparent to me is that police consider themselves to be courageous, and that citizens, whose jobs are perceived to be safe, are not courageous. This is a narrow view.

Ordinary people encounter disease, difficulties, death and loss that require courage and perseverance to survive. Many people display courage every day just getting out of bed and facing their own problems. I have cancer. This has caused me intense pain for long periods of time, along with other dysfunctions. It can be hard to face, and knowing that it is supposed to kill me doesn't help.

Everyone who gets cancer faces a choice. How are they going to handle the disease psychologically? There are two choices. The first choice, and it is probably nearly everyone's approach initially, is to fight the disease. Maintain a positive attitude, search for a cure, believe that you will get better and everything will return to normal. Continue to work as long as possible. Try very hard for things to stay the same, to be the same person.

If you survive, this may be a good choice. If you are likely to be cured, it may also seem a reasonable choice. But, if you do not survive, this choice can lead to a lot of psychological trauma and even a lack of planning. This affects the sick, but also the caregivers and loved ones, who may find themselves unprepared for the event and the changes they will have to make afterwards. I have known people who made this choice and the consequences at the end can be brutal.

The second choice is to accept that you are going to die. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are resigned that the disease is going to kill you, after all, we are all going to die. Acceptance is not easy. Acceptance means a lot more than just telling everyone that you are going to die, it means knowing it completely and deeply. In order to know this on a deep subconscious level, we have to face our fear of death. Fear of death is a part of all of us, and removing it inevitably changes our personality, our outlook, it informs all of our decision making, it will change how you interact with everyone. If you survive, these will be with you the rest of your life, which will then be fully realized

Confronting your fear of death, transcending it and accepting it is the most freeing and empowering thing a person can do. It is also the most courageous thing a person can do. We don't all get the opportunity to make this choice. You may die suddenly or you may make the choice too late. I've been blessed to make this change and to have had the opportunity.

Archetypes and Spontaneous Healing

I haven’t written for a while because I wasn't sure how to say what has happened.  I also didn't want to write about it because I wanted to be sure of what was happening, but it has been over a week now since this started and I am much better than before.  A major healing event has occurred and I continue to improve, despite having been told that no improvement in my symptoms will occur until after the treatment starts.

This started two weeks ago on a Friday night (Jan. 25th) when I was visited by a number of female deities who had messages for me.  The way that I do this is to look at a selection of still images of videos and see which ones speak to me.  When they do speak to me, it isn't with words, but with pure ideas, which I then put words to as I come to understand what is being sent to me.  What was said to me this time was that I was reminded to listen to my wife who is sharing her female wisdom with me and to feel the help that is coming my way.  When I told my wife about this the next day, she told me that while I was experiencing this, she was praying and asking for help specifically from the female essence.  I then said that she clearly got a response and I heard it as well.

Things continued as before, with more tests and meetings.  Then, the next Saturday (Feb. 2nd) another event happened.  When I went to bed that night I did my usual practice of lying quietly while I allow mind to flow freely.  I thought about my illness and what it was doing to me.  I started to feel very odd, in an uncomfortable way that is hard to describe.  I have learned from past experience that when I feel strange, it is a sign that something important is happening and that I need to figure out what I need to do to receive the message.  Then I begin the process of looking at images and videos to see if I can find out who or what is trying to talk to me.  I started with the female archetypes, but it wasn't them this time.  After looking for a while and not getting any inspiration, a video came on of Deva Premal singing a bhajan to Shiva.  As soon as I saw the image of Shiva, I knew it was him.  Then the understanding came and I knew what was happening to me.  I was being healed by Shiva.  My body was energized and hot.  I was perspiring despite having been cool just a short time before.  Shiva the destroyer had come to destroy my tumor. I felt that an energy flow was coming into my solar plexus and then concentrating and flowing toward my tumor (I could feel it’s location quite well).  I also added my own conscious energy by directing my body to use it’s existing immune response to locate and kill the abnormal cells.  I thought about the different ways in which cancer cells hide from our immune system and thought about directing the body to look for these hidden cells, identify and destroy them.  I visualized a “Shiva Knife” that was attacking the cancer cells and identifying them with precision.  The messages I received also indicated that this process would continue at the subconscious level as long as necessary to cure the cancer.

I felt much better as soon as this occurred, and I have continued to improve every day.  Nearly all my symptoms have disappeared, (bleeding, pain) and normal function is coming back.  I haven't been symptom free since last August, so this is a lot of improvement.  The tumor, which I could feel, as it is a source of pain, is not sensible to me anymore.

None of this has been verified by exam yet, so I don’t know if the tumor is still there.  We have asked to have the treatment postponed for a week while I see if I continue to improve.  I plan to tell my doctors that I don’t want to start treatment until another exam is performed.  They will be skeptical, but I will point out that I am not bleeding anymore, which was not supposed to happen until after radiation treatment.

The exam results will be posted here one way or the other, but I know what I feel like now and it is a tremendous improvement.

Thank you to everyone who posted and had good thoughts and sent healing my way.  It made a difference.

My wife sent me this on Friday, it explains how to work with archetypes.  When I read it I realized that it described exactly the process I experienced. 
Quote on archetypes from Dr. Pillai:

“Archetypes refers to beings, living in time and space, and also they simultaneously represent characteristics of the unconscious. Raise the level of your unconscious to where you can have an encounter with them as beings.”

Update Jan. 29, 2013

I need to write a post about the experiences I have had lately with my spiritual work, but I have been busy, and tired from not being too well.

Yesterday I met my radiation doctor and got set up for more testing.  She is great and is actually a close relative of a person I work with.  I now have four doctors on my case.

Tomorrow I have to go in for a PET scan that will provide detailed information on the extent of the tumor and its activity level.  Then maybe a break of a week or so until I start the radiation therapy.

Plus my wife, who is very knowledgeable about nutrition, is helping me with my diet and is working on a plan to support the radiation therapy and help the healing process.

The Ego’s Ego

When a person attains a certain level of enlightened thinking, this is a sign that the personal ego has been transcended.  In this mental state, the person’s ability to think will be improved, due to the removal of the effect of the ego, which tries to control and limit our thoughts to only those which support the ego identity.  It does this primarily through emotional control, leaving us feeling as though we are being battered about by our emotions.  As we feel out of control emotionally , we try to change our personal circumstances to change our emotional state.  This is the original. state with the ego in charge.  The desire to be free of this pattern is what makes many people seek the spiritual path. This egoless state is the goal of many practices.  There are many people who are able to attain this level of awareness.   They may then stay there because they do not think there is any further to go.


Once this has been attained, the brain can stay in a calm state for a long time, but at some time emotions will occur, if that transformation has occurred, then the emotional state will be selected as the most appropriate under the circumstances, with the intent being the best resolution possible.

So all this is great, right!  What we all hope for.  Our transformation was profound enough and our wisdom deep enough that others will notice and start to change and learn as we had hoped.  Perhaps there are followers, there can be gatherings and teachings.  Sometimes a title is adopted guruji, punditji, swamiji, master.  When this happens one can become an influential and well known person, able to influence many lives.  This is both a powerful place and a very dangerous one.

When the enlightened person has reached this point, how do they react to it internally?  Although the ego may be surpassed (this is our original child ego), there is still a drive in our brains to establish an ego identity.  A new ego will start to develop around the new personality traits.  It will not be the old ego, which no longer exists, but new, more mature and wiser ego than our original child ego.   The new ego uses all the new ideas and takes them for its own.  Even though many of the ideas occurred before the new ego formed, it will take full credit for everything.  All the progress that has been made, all the ideas that have been shared, are its alone, and become the core of the new ego identity.

The more enlightened one becomes, the more wise and compassionate, the more danger there is that a new ego will develop.  If this does happen, who will see it and call it out?

It may be very difficult for the enlightened person to see because of the special nature of this new ego.  Unlike our original childish ego, this one was formed by a mature mind with a lot more experience and wisdom.  As it is wiser, more mature and more subtle, it is much harder to observe than our original ego.  An advanced state of self observation is necessary.

For those who may by followers of the enlightened one, it is even more difficult  They may benefit from the wisdom and even find their lives improving.  So what could be wrong?  They see a person who has transcended the personal ego and is able to transmit, joy, happiness and wisdom to others.  Maybe this will take me to where she/he is.  So they come along for the ride, and may indeed learn and grow through the process.

But in any audience, there will be a few people who sense a wrongness in the master though they may not be able to vocalize it.  They may leave and seek another path, or simply give up, having decided that every human process is either corrupted or corruptible.

As the enlightened person matures, the power and wisdom grow, and so the ego , which attaches all perceived accomplishments to itself to strengthen its self-identity.  As the ego grows in power and influence, both internally and externally, this can lead to disaster.  I’m  sure we are all aware of some fallen gurus.  We should recognize that though they ultimately fell, they also brought a lot of wisdom.  Indeed, the strength of the wisdom may be proportional to depth of the fall.

Does this mean the journey toward enlightenment is futile?  I think not, but it is more difficult and involved that many have been led to believe.  Rather than seeing the journey as a boat trip to unknown territory, from which you may or may be able to return, see it as a long set of stages, with incremental improvement at each stage.  Each stage of improvement is followed by observing the formation a new ego identity, examining it in detail so that you fully grasp everything that it has, making all of that fully a part of your awareness and then dismiss the new ego.  This is not as hard as it sounds, because these new egos, though smart and subtle, never have the kind of power you original ego had, so they can be surpassed just by observation and study.  This is because you unconsciousness is stronger than before.

Does this process ever end?  Are there an infinite number of new egos waiting for you to run into them so they can prevent from ever attaining your goal?

I think the process is more like this, each new ego that forms as a result of a step change in consciousness is smarter, stronger and more subtle than the last.  Each is also more spiritually advanced and less controlling than the earlier versions.  As long as you continue the process,each new ego will be closer in its properties to you goal, and at some point they will be indistinguishable.  At that point you have travelled through all the levels of consciousness and reached the realm of pure thought, devoid of words and feelings.  Containing only knowledge.  Stripped of its cultural, sexual and even anthropomorphic taints.

Status update

Sorry for the lack of posts.  Al the testing and hospital visits have left me pretty tired.  After the MRI last Monday, I had  CT scan on Wednesday, a visit with my surgeon on Thursday and then a visit to the oncologist  on Tuesday.  Next Monday comes the radiation oncologist and then a PET scan which hasn't been scheduled yet.  Radiation treatment is scheduled to begin on Feb. 11th.

MRI day

Hospital visit for an MRI of the area today, so no big post.  Doctor visit tomorrow.

Being Here Now

Since I  was diagnosed I have talked about how my attitude has changed and I have become much more present.  But the diagnosis has quite an effect on others as well.

Everyone is really nice to me all the time now.  Almost the first thing my wife said to me (after we were done crying) was that she could never be mad at me again.  This change occurred in my friends as well.  Anything in the past that may have happened between us is forgiven and forgotten.  This means that when I talk to people now who are close to me, everyone in the conversation is in the moment.  We now have wonderful talks free of any past judgments and problems.  No one ignores me anymore.  All my relationships have been renewed and all that matters are the commonalities that brought us together in the first place. People are not afraid to share their thought and feelings with me and I to them.  It is so much more open, honest and wonderful.
I have become a walking talking reminder to everyone that I am with to be in the moment and enjoy it.  I never would have imagined that something like this could happen.  I’m not going to lose it and I hope that I continue to have this effect on people. It will be my intention.

I wonder if this happens to those who have attained this state without this sort of trigger?